him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?