today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?