Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Thursday Thought.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.