I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
me adding lol on a serious message
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one