My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I have never related to a cat more
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
wish me luck lads
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.