Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.