me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Why am I like this?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan