I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
😬
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
the dark web is just a goth google.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral