“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
That’s what I call a flat tire
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.