Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.