Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs