some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
This is me
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
next level snooze
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT