Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Hey I worked for it too!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.