Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
#CoronaOutbreak
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza