[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit