A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots