[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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bought wrong eggs
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.