the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
adding to the discourse
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*