Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I get distracted pretty eas
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!