For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink