Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
live long and prosper!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.