2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?