ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Breaking news:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.