Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.