Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
This is a bad sign
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.