Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Nomnomnomnom
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“OMGJK” -atheists
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.