Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.