My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok