“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’d hang this in my house.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.