Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
cat vs inanimate object
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.