A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”