You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You Might Also Like
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Worst Native American name ever.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
This story is comedy gold 😂
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!