When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.