the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.