I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’m sure it’s fine.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.