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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.