-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.