[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*