I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Tell me you get it…🤣
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
ouch
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: