turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I only treason on days ending in y
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course