Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
What if all the cashiers are married?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Don’t forget to tip your server
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Tremendous stuff
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I like long walks away from everyone
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.