sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here