I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
who did the taste test?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Great acting.. 😂
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.