freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers