Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
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*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Stop sending me this shit.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.