[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
mood
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point