Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.