Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Aw man, but that’s the best part
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window