[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Worst Native American name ever.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X