You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.